Laurel’s blog

What was the last thing you "got away with?"

Wow. This is a scandalous question. The last thing that I "got away with" was speeding on the way to school this morning. I am never obeying speed limits and it's not even intentional, I just really hate driving and feeling like i'm "stuck behind" somebody. I like to have free space in front of me otherwise I get anxious and feel like I'm needing to pass the person in front of me. I probably shouldn't speed because the truth is that I cannot afford to pay a speeding ticket right now and it's something that is totally avoidable if I would just obey the laws. I am constantly getting angry with people who drive badly because they are putting me in danger but yet I am probably that obnoxious dangerous person to other people out there. It's easy to speak what's wrong but harder to fix. I'll have to work on it, or maybe I just don't want to. Well whatever. Either way life goes on. I should really make better choices though. I mean even when I'm going somewhere if I pass a car on the freeway and we end up taking the same exit they are almost always just a car behind me so it evens out and everyone pretty much gets there at the same time. Pointless.

I have a few moments before I have to get going to my next class so I'm goofing off. It's been a difficult first week of the term. I'm taking some pretty reading heavy classes and it's a pain to read textbooks in my free time but I'm doing well with keeping up so far. Weekend free time! Yay!

Have you ever had a premonition about something that came true? 
Submitted by Sheri.

Shoot all the time. I think that if you're so worried about something you can even make it worse. I always get weird feelings and notice weird things that usually end up leading to something else. It's not a great trait because I miss out on so much because I'm too busy being a boring worrier. Is that even a word? My spell check didn't try to correct it so I'll pretend it is. Basically if you think about something happening so much then it probably will happen and even if it didn't you are still feeling as if it has even if it hasn't so what is the difference?

I really like Eisley. I really like rediscovering old music favs.

I really hate knowing that I'm the only one holding myself back from what I want to do. I hate that I can't put trust in people and when they say nice things about me in my head I am just thinking about what a liar they are. I hate how I never believe in myself and convince myself that I'm not good enough. There are so many little things holding me back that it's all just one BIG mess.

I've been so bad about writing in this. I need to get back to it.

i was going to answer the question of the day but it was a stupid one. i wish there was a skip question button but there is not. better luck tomorrow!

i was also going to write about something. then mmmbop by hanson attacked my earsphones via itunes being on shuffle. i mean, what? i've never heard of that....

What was your major or field of study in college? Did you wind up working in that field or using that degree? If not, what field have you wound up in? 
Submitted by sneuf. 

I honestly have to say that this is the worst question of the day that I've ever witnessed. I am in college right now. I have no idea what direction I'm going in. I can probably bet that I won't end up working in my field of study. Who knows? I am not even sure that I care? No. I am sure that I don't. Goodbye.

Well it's not really goodbye because I can never sleep. My room is a mess. I think tomorrow is cleaning day. Friends are coming home from college for vacation and I'm so excited to see some of my favorites. I miss home a lot. For some reason thinking about how much I miss home encouraged me to write my essays to apply to Seattle Pacific which is even further away from home than I am now. Oh my. I am always getting myself into awkward situations and places I know I shouldn't be.

I love spell check. It has saved my bum so many times. I wish it was thanksgiving so I could write about how thankful I am for spellchecker. Why is it that thanksgiving is the only time of year people care about being thankful? I wanna be thankful every day.

There was some idiotface driving on the freeway today with their hand out the window giving a peace sign. I would have been like "oh how cute" but the person was driving one handed the whole way and was obviously not in too much control of the vehicle or paying attention and tried to drive into my lane when I was clearly in ruler of that lane. It's nice that people want to pretend to be peaceful and think that they are changing the world by putting their hand out the window but I would have been very un-peaceful if that person would have crashed into my car. I think there are more productive things to be done that can promote world peace other than driving like an idiot and wearing t-shirts about peace and love that were produced in asian sweat shops and sold at forever 21 for a cheap but yet more than the people who made the shirt make in a month price.

I try not to be too controversial because I don't like to hurt peoples feelings and I don't like it when people argue with me over silly things like opinions. I've lost too many friendships over things that have just been worded incorrectly. I suppose this goes both ways. I need to be more accepting of people around me. Sorry peace guy, I know you meant well. Either that or you were purposely trying to be an a-hole and ruin my day to the point where I would go home and blog about it. If that is the case, A+ you win!

What's on your holiday wishlist?

I really hate the fact that the holidays are associated with gift giving because I know it totally takes the deeper meaning out of everything and also creates a lot of unnecessary stress between families. My mom is the biggest holiday stress nut ever so take my word for it.

Though, I am only human so here's a few things from my wish list:

Benefit's Some kinda gorgeous foundation faker
A subscription to NYLON magazine
Fresh new novels to read when I'm bored
Money. I have a lot of financial responsibilities suddenly. Ouch.
Guitar Hero III for PS2
Diner Dash for Nintendo DS
Those little mini oranges called cuties that they have at Costco. Yeah. I want a 5 pound box, thanks!
Polaroid film
To hang out only with people who make me realize how beautiful and amazing my life is. Not the people trying to bring it down.

And I guess so I don't feel guilty about asking for so much material junk I will have to wish for world peace and happy memories for all!

In other news I am staying up too late again. My sleeping pattern has been so lousy for such a long time. When I try to sleep my brain just won't shut off. I try to visualize nothingness but ontop of nothingness there is always somethingness that just won't go away. Seriously I've tried visualizing just a plain white sheet of paper. I think that's my problem is that I am visualizing white which is a bright color. Maybe I should try black tonight. No, but seriously if anyone has any tips for getting to sleep quicker I would appreciate it. I can't take any more sleep aides because I think that's what got me into this situation in the first place because I became dependent on them to get to sleep.

My eyes are watering because I cannot stand to look at the computer screen any longer.

I'm going to wake up early tomorrow and do laundry. I really want to go on a jog too. My body is hating me right now for being so lazy. I can tell. I wish that it wasn't always so dang cold out in the morning. Either way I know I'm going to have to get over it. I always dread going for jogs but after I do I feel soooooo good. I need to feel good. I haven't done that in a while.

Off to blackpapernothingness.

I'm totally bored so I thought I'd jot down some song that I can't stop listening to lately. If you're looking for something to listen to I recommend all of this.

Say Anything - The Church Channel
Sufjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day
Landon Pigg - Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop
Schoolyard Heroes - Violence is all The Rage
Bright Eyes - Make a Plan to Love me
This Providence - The Road to Jericho is Lined with Starving People
Paramore - Decoy
Straylight Run - The Miracle That Never Came

In other news I have realized that it is possible to love an album but have one song that just makes you wanna do unpleasant things like pluck your eyeballs out because it would be more fun than listening to the song. For me CrushCrushCrush by Paramore is that song. The first time I ever heard the song I wanted to turn it off. I'm very disappointed that this was chosen as a single. I can't be the only one in the world who feels this way, can I? I don't know what it is about the song but it just annoys me to no end. I love Paramore. I really do. I love them so much that I can forgive them for this stupid single but I just wanted to complain a little bit.

I was getting so good about writing in this and then poof I disappeared. So typical. It's a little after midnight and I am sitting on the floor in my (real) bedroom. I come home about once a week but I miss it so much. When I'm away for so long I feel homesick and when I'm here I remember why I left in such a hurry. Nothing is ever as it seems in the moment. I don't remember when this all happened. I don't remember when I became a so-called adult. Trust me, I've got a long way to go but it's so overwhelming that I'll never be in high school again. Things don't have to change, but they will.

Whenever I am here and it's late at night and I'm trying to fall asleep in my own bed I usually cry. I don't know why. I just get so overrun with emotions that nothing makes sense and I don't even know why I'm so upset. I'm sorry if this is too deep to post on the i-net but it's something that I don't really share with a lot of people. I could not look somebody straight in the eye and tell them that I'm depressed. I would make some sassy, sarcastic joking remark about how sad I am and they wouldn't believe me. Sometimes I don't even believe me. The truth is that I'm the saddest that I've been in a long time. Nothing is working out the way that I had planned. It's cool to have dreams and goals. I hear so many of my younger friends saying all these great things about how they have their life planned out and how they are going to move out the day that they graduate. Don't do it. You have to emotionally ready for failure. I don't like to be a downer but not everything is going to work out exactly how you plan. You have to have the emotional capability to deal with it. I never did and in effect I'm less productive than ever and all I do is sit around and mope. The reason nobody sees my sadness is because when I'm with friends and family I'm reminded about how great people are but when I'm alone I forget it. I went to the mall the other day and some random dude stopped me and asked me why I was so upset. I didn't even realize that I was acting upset. Little details.

I need to go to bed. I've made plans with friends and family tomorrow. I have trouble sleeping knowing that tomorrow I will have to wake up and be a day closer to going home.

Writing this has made me realize feelings that I didn't even know I felt. Weirdddd.

Lately I've discovered that music cannot keep my attention for very long. I have yet to find a good album as of recently that can keep my attention to the point where I forget that the skip to the next song button is there and I actually want to listen to the whole song. If anybody randomly stumbles upon this blog leave suggestions in comments.

It's weird because instead of listening to new hot music I've found myself listening to and enjoying all my old favs. I suppose this a good thing because these songs make me happy and bring back good memories but I'd still like to know that there is hope for music and discover some fresh talent. The sad thing about old songs is that the people who wrote them probably don't feel the same way any longer but yet they have to play the same songs every night even if they don't want to. This is why I am not a musician (beside the fact that I have no talent) because I cannot stick to something for longer than one second.

I don't like how music all goes in the same direction all at once. I guess it's like that with every thing in life though so I need to learn and love it. Luckily the fact that these little gems are recorded allow me to create a diverse itunes library. Hallelujah.

I was reading my new allure magazine that I just received in the mail. I guess this is nothing new but as I was flipping through the pages I noticed that there are so many advertisements. I had a hard time finding the content of the magazine. I understand that magazines do need a lot of funding and advertisements are the source for that, not subscriptions. I just was thinking about how silly it is that I pay for a book full of advertisements and two articles. Things are so weird.

I'm so overwhelmed with advertisements. Not just in magazines but they are everywhere. I feel like the whole world is telling me that I NEED this specific product and in turn I feel like I do. The truth is that I don't need anything. I wish that I could be okay with that. I think that I need to reshape myself because I have so much stuff that I don't need. I think I'm going to ebay some of my stuff this winter break! Yay.

This is all over the place.

What are some ways you save money? 
Submitted by Pixiemom.  

I am a serious bargain hunter. I practically live at the mall so I know when things go on sale. I am a little bit of an impulse buyer but I have better control than most. I get my eye on something that I want and then visit it often until either a.) I don't like it anymore or b.) It's finally on sale.

In order to actually save money I have two separate bank accounts. One of them I don't have easy access to so I kind of stash money away in there and then trick myself so I have more money than I actually think I do. It is surprisingly helpful. I am keeping that money off limits to myself in case there is a time when I get in a financial bind.